Postpartum Body

So I gained 50lbs during my pregnancy. Yes you read that right. My 5' and 105lbs body gained 50lbs in 40 weeks. Some doctors might have warned me to avoid gaining so much weight but my midwife never worried. She knew I was keeping a healthy diet, I was active at work and practicing yoga at home. She also knew I was married to a Viking and thus was baking a Viking-sized baby. There wasn't anything to worry about, she and I believe that (in most cases) the woman's body will be able to birth the baby it makes, no matter how big he may be. And so, my belly stretched to ridiculous proportions, but all that weight stayed focused in my mid-section. And when my son made his entrance into this world, he left behind his big, comfy home.

It took me by surprise how deeply I grieved the loss of my body. Pre-pregnancy I spent way too much time criticizing the minor imperfections, when I should have been living it up! Wearing a bikini at every possible opportunity. At times I think I may have even resented my baby for "ruining" me, as I write this now I realize how terrible it sounds, but it was my truth at that time. A dear friend comforted me, reminding me that most women fluctuate in their size, and with each new size they have to learn to love their new body. This was something that I had never had to do, and I was not doing it well.

When my son left my body he left behind all that stretched out skin used to protect his home inside me. There is nothing I can do about that skin, short of surgery. I am already back to my pre-pregnancy size, in fact I am even smaller, but on my stomach there still remains a flab of empty skin (not to mention the plethora of scars). It has been a SLOOOOOOOW process learning to accept this new skin, but believe it or not, I am much more comfortable in my body now than I ever was pre-pregnancy. Pre-pregnancy, I wasted time scrutinizing the imagined imperfections in my body, trying to meet some ridiculous and unrealistic standard meant to objectify me. Post-pregnancy I have learned to see the body in a more functional way and I marvel at its beauty.

The body is truly one of God's greatest masterpieces, and all the variety and designs we are blessed to manifest that handiwork. My pear-shaped body with its strong legs and short height are delicately designed to carry the weight of my son as he climbs up in my arms. Beauty. My small breasts are bountiful enough to nourish my growing toddler. Beauty. My small hands fit perfectly into my husband's large and protective hands. Beauty. My eyes can look up to the moon as my arms cradle my son and my legs spin us under its moonlight. Glory. We are all wonders. And our bodies reflect just a sliver of the beauty we manifest through these vessels.

This body, my body, is beautiful. I understand it better now that it has been "ruined" by love and light. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my mom-jeans, because those are seriously comfortable, and I finally get it!

PS: This video was a huge help to me on this journey. I hope it blesses you as it did me.

More Than a Year Later

Welp, it's been a year since I stopped blogging regularly, and I am sure you are all (all 2 of you who actually read this blog) wondering what happened, so here it is: I had a baby at home with no complications. He is a big, beautiful, and healthy boy.

But the reason I haven't been posting is that things have been CRAZY this last year. So I would like to spend the next several posts reflecting on this past year, catching you up to life in our messy messy home.

First, off, let me respond to the last post I made while pregnant. The one where I rant about feeling like an ugly heffer. I would like to respond with this video:

Now that a year has passed I can look at these pictures and I understand the shock and surprise that greeted me everywhere I turned at the very end. I was GINORMIC!!! But I also watch this video and am transported back to that very tender and innocent time. That woman in that video had no idea what lay ahead, and if she did I wonder if she would have still smiled as much? Or if she would have spent more time sleeping, or gone to the movies more, or cuddled with her husband more (boy do I miss that),  but I am glad she had no idea what lay ahead, because what lay ahead was not pretty, was rough, and was sometimes was even dark and scary, but then eventually it was ok, then normal, and then funny and sweet. I'll share more about those early days in posts to come now that I am far enough away from it all.