When you are TTC (trying to conceive), I think that there is a point, and that point is different for everyone, when you start to become crazy about it. Bless your poor partner, because they likely bear the brunt of this craziness, and have to witness it, and still love you. For me that point was after 4 months of trying. In this journey I have absorbed and assumed the stories of so many of the women around me. And that is why I started to go crazy at 4 months. When I first started thinking about trying, I spoke to a co-worker about how maternity leave works (she had just had a baby the previous year) and how I had wanted to time the birth so that I could get the longest time with my baby (maternity leave + vacations+ holiday= tons of time off!!!). Her response was, "Well, if you're that lucky. It took me 4 months to get pregnant."
My co-worker's story echoed in my head. 4 months, 4 months, 4 months... So when I wasn't pregnant the first 3 months, I wasn't terribly worried, because I was totally going to be pregnant by 4 months just like my co-worker. That's math, right? That's how it works. And when 4 months came and my period came, that is when I started to loose it. That is when I started to get a little crazy.
Crazy looks different for everyone too. For me it was obsession. I would spend hours and hours researching ways to help make me more fertile, things that cause infertility, and baby things. It was the baby things that made my husband worried. I was glued to the computer trying to figure out what diapers I wanted, what stroller suited our needs, what baby carrier was the most versatile. On more than one occasion, Jonathan asked me to stop doing this, and just wait until we had a baby to plan for. He was worried for me, that I wasn't relaxing and trusting God. And he was right.
Still working on relaxing and trusting (I suspect these will be challenges for the better part of the rest of my life), but along the way I have gotten better at it in this specific area. As I have said before, some days are better than others. Here are a few thing that I have done to help me keep the crazy at bay:
1. Put a limit on Facebook: This one was HUGE for me. Facebook was a consistent source of pain for me, as it seemed the world over was enjoying motherhood, and I was not invited to the party. I first fasted Facebook for lent, and when that worked out well for me, I continued after lent on a modified schedule. I get one and a half hours once a week to go on. This is actually just enough time to read and reply to emails, and catch up on what family and close friends are up to.
2. When it's too much, say no: Sometimes I knew that I wasn't in the right state to handle groups of pregnant women or mothers with their children. But it seemed inevitable since nearly all the women in my social groups were either pregnant or had children. I often let the guilt of feeling like a bad person dictate my actions, forcing me to attend these gatherings. But then I would leave feeling miserable and hating my body even more. I had to put a stop to this. So when we are invited to something, I go through the list of possible guests (to see if anyone pregnant might be there) and ask myself how I am doing. If I honestly have been having a rough time/week with this topic then I choose not to torture myself, and I say "No, I can't make it". Then I reject the guilty feelings. It takes practice not to let the guilt control, but it gets easier, and I am healthier for respecting myself.
3. Get busy: I am trying my best to stay away from the researching obsession. The easiest way to replace the computer is to stay active. I have a list of projects I have been procrastinating on and I am slowly working my way down on that list. Some of the project are fun and creative, some are chores, but I feel better once any of them is done. This one has been key for me.
I am sure other people have other ideas, these are the ones that work for me. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Good luck crazy ladies. We will make it through this!
