Do you know what you're having?

So I am at the point in my pregnancy where it is possible that I might actually know if I am having a girl or boy. But we have chosen not to find out. Our midwife doesn't like to prescribe ultrasounds unless she is concerned about something and it is necessary for her to check on the health of the baby or myself. If I really wanted to I could just ask her for one, and she would send me to the technician that she uses. But I don't really want one.

I've always been old fashioned in my heart, an old soul, and so when I thought about having a baby in the past I knew that at least once I would like to be surprised just like generations of women were before me. I wasn't necessarily adamant that I needed to be surprised for every child, but at least for one. Well, since it took me so long to get pregnant, I have to be honest, I am not confident that this will happen for me again. Lots of people tell me how the second time is easier, and that may be true, but as I've mentioned before, life has taught me that it is unpredictable. So rather than falling into the same routine of planning with the second, I will embrace the joy of this first experience fully. If this is the only child I am blessed to bear, I would like it to be in the old fashioned way.

Do I ever wonder what the baby is? Of course! Am I dying to know? Sometimes. My husband seems to struggle with this more than I do. But it also feels like we are on an adventure, a journey to get to know this life, and the suspense is thrilling!

There is a video blog that I follow, and this week's episode was about baby gender. I had intended to write about this topic before I had seen the video blog, but I think it is really interesting that we both had similar topics. In case any of you were interested here is the video blog episode:

Her question of the week reminded me of a conversation that I had once with my husband about baby gender. We haven't settled on how many kids we would like exactly (I think once we actually have one, we might be more prepared to answer this) but I did ask him "What if I have 3 or 4 girls in a row? Would you want to try for one more to have a boy?" His answer surprised me, "Yes..." at this point I got mad, how can you be so chauvinistic?!? Is having a male offspring really that important?!? Are men more important that women?!?, but then he continued "...but if it were reverse and we had all boys, I would want to keep trying for a girl. I just want to know what a you-me combo would look like if it was a boy and a girl." He is a great man and I love him so much! He values both genders equally, and shows them the same honor. I know that whatever Little turns out to be, this daddy will be the best daddy for him or her. And that settles my heart and my curiosity! :)

I know, you think I'm crazy...

So most of you who read this already know what I am about to say. But there may be some out there who don't know, and I find myself nervous to say it for their sake. I guess I am dreading the judgement about to come. It's not like I haven't already received my share of judgement. In fact, all but maybe 2 people that I have told have totally passed judgement, with their eyes, their silence, and sometimes their words. So here it goes...

My intention is to meet this child for the first time in my own home. Translation = I am having a home birth.

When you tell people this, their response is usually... well, here, Jim Gaffigan nailed it:

Best line = "I wanted a home birth, but I wanted my baby to live." Hilarious. The truth in this line is so great. When I tell people that I am doing a home birth, the look in their eye tells me that they think I am crazy, and clearly I do not love this child because if I did I would not endanger its life by doing something so risky.

Are there risks, yes, but no more than I would face if I had the baby in the hospital. The risks are just different. In order for me to be considered for a home birth I had to take all the initial tests that any pregnant woman would. In fact I did take those tests at my Ob/Gyn's office. And all was well. If there were any serious concerns I would not be able to have a home birth.

I guess the main reasons for my decision are that:

• I want this experience to be a sacred one, and I have a phobia of hospitals so that would be difficult for me to find in hospital.
• I believe in the miraculous design of the woman's body and its ability to bring life into this world.
• I try to live a natural lifestyle, meaning, I try to limit the amount of processed and institutional influences in my life, in what I eat, in how I care for my home, in they ways I treat my ailments, etc. So it seems that having the baby at home was the most natural place to do this, at least to me.
• I think natural births are beautiful, and I would love to be part of that beautiful tradition.
• I trust my body. I am very in-tune with my body. I try my best to listen to it when it speaks to me, and I am excited to hear it speak to me as it prepares to open up and make room for life.
• I was really disappointed when I was told that I would probably only meet my Ob/Gyn on the day I delivered the baby. I want a bond/relationship with the person who is going to be there for this unique moment.
• It feels right in my soul. My heart is at peace with this idea and plan, so I will proceed until I feel otherwise.

Just because I was on board did not mean that my husband was on board. I had read books, and articles, and described to him the birthing experience that I wanted and how a home birth or a birthing center were the best way for me to have those experiences. He had started to come around, but what sealed the deal was watching "The Business of Being Born".

In this documentary there is a woman who is filmed having her baby and she looked serene. It was a beautiful birth, she looked relaxed, at peace and beautiful. She pushed out the baby with hardly a grunt and there was no fuss, no anxiety, just love and peace. When he saw that, he was amazed. "I want you to have that kind of experience" he said. And so do I.

So that is why my intention is to have a home birth. I know that something may happen that may prevent a home birth from happening, so I am trying to remain open minded, and thankful for hospitals. Yet, I would be lying if I denied that I really really hope I have, and I really really want the birthing experience I have dreamed of. For now, I am just doing the best I can to take care of myself, and my little one. I am following the directions and guidance of my midwife, and I am trusting in the one who made this all possible.

So, yes, I know you think I'm crazy, but you know love makes us do crazy things, and for me this is one of them.

Bonding?

Being late to the pregnancy party isn't so bad, there are allot of invaluable things I learned from my preggo friends while I was on the sidelines waiting for my turn. One lesson I was never even aware of was when does an expectant mama feel that maternal connection??? Some women make it seem like the moment of conception is the moment the bonding begins, but that isn't always the case. For a few of my friends, that time came much later than they expected and they wondered what kind of mother that would make them. Why had they not felt that "connection" like other women? Was something wrong? Were they good mom material?

This fear kicked in for me pretty early on. Some days I was so excited. Some days I would cry with fear and regret, quickly followed by guilt. "What are we doing?!?!? We can't afford a baby?!?! We aren't ready for this! We have tons of stuff to do before we do this!!!" and so on. Waffling between extreme joy, and extreme doubt was (and to a lesser extent, still is) a day to day struggle. And all the while, I never felt that magical connection/bond.

Even though my friends had warned me about this, I panicked. Is something wrong with me? Do I have that maternal instinct needed to make a good mama? When will I know that I love this life inside?

The answer to that question came right around this time:

14 weeks

We were in Hawaii for my husband's grandfather's funeral. We had decided to stay for a week to spend some time with the family in Hawaii. While we were there, there was allot of sadness, and I felt the loss even more so thinking about how the life in me would never get to meet the force of life that was Grandpa. Grandma seemed to be holding it together surprisingly well. At one of the gatherings she shared with me how this is the way of life, the old must pass to make way for the new, and she gestured to my belly. It was a beautiful moment.

Later that week I was standing in the dining room, and my mother-in-law saw some dark bloody spots on the floor where I was standing. She panicked. She yelled for me to go the bathroom and make sure the baby was okay. She was worried that I was having a miscarriage. I had just come from the bathroom and everything was fine. But her panic convinced me that I might actually be having a miscarriage. So I went to the bathroom again. Turns out the spots were just some teriyaki sauce that had spilled when we were taking out the trash. But later that night, I wept uncontrollably. Delayed reaction to the adrenaline. I wept because for that moment I thought I was losing my Little Love, and it was a terrible feeling. I wasn't ready for that, and that's when I knew that I loved the life inside. I still don't feel that magical bond that I notice some women have, but I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I love my baby and I am willing to fight for this life. I want to meet him or her one day, and on that day I will turn into a fierce lioness willing to kill to protect this life. So, no, I don't feel this overwhelming bond with my baby, but yes, I know it is in me, dormant and waiting to be released.

And what of my friends?

Fear not, the "connection" eventually kicked in, and I have witnessed these women become the most intuitive and nurturing mothers. They are amazing, and I hope I can be the kind of mothers they are to their little cubs.