Bonding?

Being late to the pregnancy party isn't so bad, there are allot of invaluable things I learned from my preggo friends while I was on the sidelines waiting for my turn. One lesson I was never even aware of was when does an expectant mama feel that maternal connection??? Some women make it seem like the moment of conception is the moment the bonding begins, but that isn't always the case. For a few of my friends, that time came much later than they expected and they wondered what kind of mother that would make them. Why had they not felt that "connection" like other women? Was something wrong? Were they good mom material?

This fear kicked in for me pretty early on. Some days I was so excited. Some days I would cry with fear and regret, quickly followed by guilt. "What are we doing?!?!? We can't afford a baby?!?! We aren't ready for this! We have tons of stuff to do before we do this!!!" and so on. Waffling between extreme joy, and extreme doubt was (and to a lesser extent, still is) a day to day struggle. And all the while, I never felt that magical connection/bond.

Even though my friends had warned me about this, I panicked. Is something wrong with me? Do I have that maternal instinct needed to make a good mama? When will I know that I love this life inside?

The answer to that question came right around this time:

14 weeks

We were in Hawaii for my husband's grandfather's funeral. We had decided to stay for a week to spend some time with the family in Hawaii. While we were there, there was allot of sadness, and I felt the loss even more so thinking about how the life in me would never get to meet the force of life that was Grandpa. Grandma seemed to be holding it together surprisingly well. At one of the gatherings she shared with me how this is the way of life, the old must pass to make way for the new, and she gestured to my belly. It was a beautiful moment.

Later that week I was standing in the dining room, and my mother-in-law saw some dark bloody spots on the floor where I was standing. She panicked. She yelled for me to go the bathroom and make sure the baby was okay. She was worried that I was having a miscarriage. I had just come from the bathroom and everything was fine. But her panic convinced me that I might actually be having a miscarriage. So I went to the bathroom again. Turns out the spots were just some teriyaki sauce that had spilled when we were taking out the trash. But later that night, I wept uncontrollably. Delayed reaction to the adrenaline. I wept because for that moment I thought I was losing my Little Love, and it was a terrible feeling. I wasn't ready for that, and that's when I knew that I loved the life inside. I still don't feel that magical bond that I notice some women have, but I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I love my baby and I am willing to fight for this life. I want to meet him or her one day, and on that day I will turn into a fierce lioness willing to kill to protect this life. So, no, I don't feel this overwhelming bond with my baby, but yes, I know it is in me, dormant and waiting to be released.

And what of my friends?

Fear not, the "connection" eventually kicked in, and I have witnessed these women become the most intuitive and nurturing mothers. They are amazing, and I hope I can be the kind of mothers they are to their little cubs.