The Illusion of Control

Hello, my name is Susanne, and I am a planner. I live to plan. I thrive on schedules, and checklists. I love knowing what is ahead. And, as you might imagine, I am not as gracious when handling surprises, the unexpected, things that are not within my power to change. Okay, yes, I admit it, I am a bit of a control freak.

So, of course, I had a plan for our family: when we would start it, how many kids we would have, and how it would look- as if I really had any control of this. To some extent I guess I did. I mean, I was able to use birth control (there's that world again) to decide for my body when it was allowed to carry a baby. And the plan was to stop taking the pill as soon as we were ready to start a family. So here was my checklist of things to do before we could have our family (notice the inherent assumption that this is something one simply grabs/takes when ready):

1. Finish my teaching credential (check)

2. Get a teaching job (check)

3. Buy a house (check)

4. Finish Master's degree (check)

5. Clear my teaching credential (still working on)

6. For Husband- finish school (still working on).

As you can see, there are still things that have yet to be finished. So why am I trying? Aren't I breaking my rules? What about the plan?!?!

Well, that all changed when I was given a reality check. About a year ago I had gone in for my "lady" check-up and while there I explained to the doctor that since I had stopped taking the pill (a decision I made to pursue a more natural life style) I noticed that my cycles were incredibly irregular. And, according to my charts- I had been using the basal body temperature method (BBT) to chart when I was ovulating so as to avoid an "accident"- I wasn't ovulating about half of the time. My doctor's response has forever changed my life, "Oh, you're gonna have a real hard time getting pregnant. But that's okay, right? Sounds like your life is pretty busy and you weren't really planning for this." Surprised is not the right word, shocked is getting closer, and devastated is closer still. I felt betrayed by my own body. Hello, body, we have a plan!!! Get with the program! And that, readers, is when the veil was slowly lifted off the illusion of control.

I continued and continue still to struggle with this. But I am much better at it today, more than a year after that doctor's visit. Yes, I still am a planner, but now my plans are more of a wish list than an actual itinerary. And the spirit behind the saying "God willing" has invaded nearly every corner of my life. Control was something I never really had, not to the extent I thought anyway. What a humbling experience, to be taken down from my tower of Babel.

And in the after shocks of this I have learned to trust and wait. Trust that somehow, someway I will have my family- just not the way I had planned, which is okay, more than okay. And learning to patiently wait, which is easier some days than others. Like today. Today was a good day.