Second Time Around

Where to begin? There are so many things this time that mirrored my last pregnancy/motherhood journey. I had the same excellent prenatal care. I had the same midwife and assistant help bring my son into the world in my same cozy home. Once again I had a giant belly, a giant boy, and a long labor. During labor I had my blessingway candle lit reminding me that I was not alone, like last time. I had my dogs remaining vigilant and serene as I became my most primal self and the wall between our worlds thinned for the second time during those transitional hours. And while so so much was the same, things were very different in the most essential ways.

My last labor and postpartum experience was a dark and difficult time for me. There was a lot of guilt and sorrow I had to work through. It was so difficult that I was not sure whether I ever wanted to be in that place again. Half of me was sincere when I said I was done having babies. I certainly wasn't ready to start over when we found out we were pregnant again. That was more of a shock than a surprise. I mean it took us more than a year of intentional trying to conceive, so how could we possibly be pregnant on accident with how little we actually had sexy time?!?! But here we were, unprepared and pregnant. 

This time around I was not nearly as attentive to the nugget in my womb. I chased my toddler around the house, juggled working full time and parenting my little tornado, was just beginning to be able to carve space out for myself to tend to my soul and spirit, and with only 24 hours in a day I just couldn't be as on top of things with this pregnancy as I was with my first. Things slipped through the cracks. I forgot to take supplements, I stopped tracking how much protein I was eating, I didn't have time to listen for that special song that would be ours: baby's and mine. The guilt I felt during postpartum with my first, I felt during the actual pregnancy with the second. I had to remind myself to actually tell the baby and, if I'm honest, myself that I did love the baby and that his life was cherished and desired, even if unplanned.

What taking a nap in the first trimester looks like with a toddler in the home

Everyone's promise to me was that this baby would be easier. Maybe it was said just to set my heart at ease and to quiet my fear, something I never really tried to hide. But whether on not that was the case, one thing was true- I was not the same person as last time. My tribe of friends and mamas reminded me of this. For as much as I suffered through my first experience, I was also changed by those experiences, refined by the fire of hard truths and inescapable realities: living with a baby is hard, and some babies are really really hard (read: my son). And so with much more healthy and realistic expectations I braced myself for the hell that I anticipated would come, all the while hoping the promises made to me would become my truth. 

I'm happy to say that, for the most part, those promises have come true. I was told that my labor would be shorter, especially after giving birth to such a large baby last time, that my body would be well prepared to push anything out quicker than last time. Well that was not the case. This second labor was in fact 7 hours longer, totaling 28 hours. Ugh! But somehow, it was easier. More on that in another post. But aside from that missed promise, my postpartum experience has indeed been easier. This baby has been easier. He's still a sparkler- apparently, the Divine must want me to prepare for some kind of weight lifting competition in the future since I keep getting practice with giant babies that MUST be carried/held at all times. But he is closer to what a typical newborn experience is. It is hard, being yelled at/cried at, getting little sleep, losing freedoms as you become chained to a tiny person thanks to your leaking boobs, but all this is still so much easier than last time. It really truly is, and I actually am happy, and so head-over-heels in love with this little man. Now, I get it, now I understand what all the fuss is about, why women ache to have a baby, the smell, the cuddles, the staring and staring at a cherub-like face- moonstruck...I get it. 

My sweet little cherub, he makes me so happy

This experience has redeemed those terrible days of my last experience. For all the ways that the two stories mirror each other, they are different in the most important ways. Where there was darkness, now there is light. Isn't that how love works?

Thank you little Bear for choosing me to be your mama, and for letting me love and care for you. This is my favorite job EVER! You are the Best. Surprise. Ever.

XOXO

Attachment Parenting by Accident

I'm not going to go into great detail defining AP but in a nut shell it includes the 7 B's:

Birth bonding

Breastfeeding

Babywearing

Bed close to baby (co-sleeping)

Belief baby's cry is communication

Beware baby trainer

Balance 

When I was pregnant I was curios about this. Mostly I thought it was too much but I didn't really know anyone who parented this way so I thought maybe I wasn't being fair and that I should research this. After my first baby was born, I read a few books and found that this form of parenting is flexible. You don't have to do it all, just what works for your family. In that light I bet there are many more people who are attachment parenting (AP) who don't even realize it. I also found that I was already parenting this way and didn't know it. I was doing what I needed to survive and it turns out that meant AP.

Here are the ways I found myself in the AP community:

First moments with my second son

Birth Bonding- When my son was born we did skin to skin, both my husband and myself. This is a very common practice in hospitals now as well, and I'm glad it is so. Those first few moments are so special and surreal.

Post-nursing coma. I cherished those sweet moments

Breastfeeding- My goal was to breastfeed. How long was not clear in my vision. I really wanted to make it to 12 months, but since I was going back to work at 5 months, I was prepared not to make it. Pumping on a teacher's schedule makes it hard to keep the milk supply up especially as I would not be able to pump as often as my little one was demanding at home, plus the pump just isn't as powerful at expressing milk as the baby. But I came home everyday for lunch to nurse and I believe that was a huge factor in helping me make it to 12 months and beyond. After twelve months I had no real plan as to when we would finish. Breastfeeding was such a special time of bonding for me and my boy, it forced us both to slow down and cuddle and just be in each other's presence. I was in no rush to end this special time. I was fully prepared to go until my little boy decided he had enough, even if that meant to 3 or 4 years old. Have I completely shocked you/grossed you out? You know, before my baby this would have grossed me out too, but I can't explain how much I loved the time I spent with my boy nursing. So judge if you must, but in my mind it was a truly beautiful time that I was not going to force to end. Only I kinda did on accident. I got pregnant when my boy was 18 months. He still nursed but my milk must have changed because by the time he was 27 months he had completely weaned on his own.

This is how we do chores in my house

Babywearing- Ugh! This one! I was interested in wearing the baby, I mean, heck, I even registered for a ring sling and woven wrap, and I already owned a buckle carrier, but boy did this one completely take over my life. My baby, HATED with a passion all things that made him recline on his back: the bouncer, the swing, the rocker, the car seat! And my baby was HUGE! I needed to get things done at home, like feed myself, and the carriers were my only way to do this. He basically lived in the carrier until he was able to go in the jumper. Both my husband and I became experts at tying a mei tai. Truth be told, if I had the option of wearing the baby all the time or not, I would choose the latter. Our backs have paid the price of carrying a baby nearly constantly. But, the carriers did provide a freedom that we greatly needed. and sometimes strollers are more of a pain and a carrier is ideal (hiking, airports, stairs, any place that is super crowded). And this time around, with this baby, well let's just say we were well prepared for this one because of the rigorous training our first put us through (I'm wearing him now as he naps and I type).

This sweet moment, brought to you by co-sleeping

Co-sleeping- This one has a wide range of appearances. Baby can share the bed with parents, or sleep in a co-sleeper attached to the bed, or sleep in a crib/bassinet/cradle/etc. in the same room as the parent. We did the first. I actually had a crib, but my son nursed every 1 to 1.5 hours, and I was exhausted. I could not take getting woken up that often, and so a sweet mentor came and taught me how to nurse lying down (side-lying nursing) and changed my life. And then I grew accustomed to this arrangement, and then I grew to love it. It is one of my favorite things to open my eyes in the morning and have my son's peaceful, sleeping face be the first thing I see.

I think this baby is communicating how much he loves the dinner I made him...or not.

Belief that baby's cry is communication- The word that sticks out to me is cry. Oh boy, did my kid cry. He had colic for the first 3 months. He never stopped crying until we held him (hence the babywearing). But I think that he trained us to respond to him, and that in turn taught him to trust that we would always be there for him. A lesson I hope he carries with him forever.

My mold-breaking boy

Beware the Baby Trainer- Not really sure how this one applied to us, except that every time I read or heard someone describe what is a reasonable expectation for a baby,  I could not relate because my sparkler broke the mold, and still is breaking molds. So I have basically given up trying to set expectations for who my kids should be and how they should behave. I will let them show me for themselves who they are.

Balance means making time to dwell in sacred moments that fill up my cup

Balance- This is the mantra of my life. At the beginning of my parenting journey I completely surrendered my needs and desires to meet those of my son. That was not healthy for me, and I am learning to take care of myself, to fill up my cup when I need it, so I am better prepared to be the best parent I can be. But don't look too closely right now, I have an infant and they take over for the first few months no matter what.

How about you? How many of the 7 B's do you see in your parenting journey? You might be more of an AP parent than you realized.