Mars and Venus...Mars Is Pretty Cool

So when we found out we were pregnant we wanted to wait until 8 weeks to tell our family. We each had different ways that we wanted to do so.

I wrapped up a picture frame and inside the frame I had a note written that said: Soon this frame will have the picture of your second grandchild! (my brother has a son already) We gave that frame to my parents to open. Simple, but effective. There were hugs and tears, lots of happy tears.

He wanted to make a Rube Goldberg. He always wants to make a Rube Goldberg. I am pretty convinced that when he is sitting silently staring off into space, he is planning Rube Goldbergs in his head. So of course, he made a Rube Goldberg to tell his family, complete with a motorized finger-release-thingy, and a flying pig. Here is the finished product:

My husband is basically a 6' 2" twelve-year-old... which can be pretty awesome! Especially when he does stuff like this. We are very different, but, hopefully, in ways that will help us raise beautiful souls.

Desperate Times, Call for Desperate Measures

So when you are trying to make a baby, of course you try to make yourself as fertile as possible. Here is a list of some of the things we tried (remember, I am trying to be as natural as possible, so I wanted to try more natural interventions before I moved on to more intensive approaches)

For Me

1. Basal Body Temping- a way to become more familiar with my body's cycles, and to pinpoint when I was ovulating.
2. Ashwagandha- an herb that helps reduce stress, but it also helps with circulation (I have poor blood circulation, and I read somewhere that this might contribute to my fertility).
3. Cutting back on foods I am sensitive to: I know that I am sensitive to gluten and dairy, so I tried my best to avoid these. But, it was very hard, and I often found myself eating dairy.
4. Prenatal vitamins- Started taking these the moment we started trying, over a year ago. I had to find some without gluten.
5. Zinc- Heard this helps you be more fertile, and it also helps boost your immune system when you feel a tingle in your throat, added bonus!
6. Fish oil, Vitamin D3- vitamins that promote fertility, and keep you healthy overall.
7. Positions- yes, we tried different ones, and by the end we were more systematic about it. My nurse practitioner actually encouraged me to be creative in this area. So funny to have a 50+ woman telling me to be more sexually adventurous, but I heeded your sage advice :)
8. Legs up in the air- several people told me about the old-wives-tale about putting your legs up in the air after sex to help you get pregnant by helping the swimmers find their way to my cervix. Didn't do this every time, but enough times that it became a joke between my husband and I.
9. Ovulation Predictor Kit- Pretty self-explanatory. Didn't start using this until a year after trying, per the recommendation of my nurse practitioner.

For Him

1. Cold showers- this is to stimulate the swimmers.
2. Radiation reducing phone case- my husband likes to keep his phone in his front pockets, near his manhood, which has been shown to reduce sperm count, so this phone case is meant to protect him from that (and cancer too).
3. Zinc- same thing as me above.
4. Fish Oils, Vitamin D3- same thing as above.
5. Exercise, increase protein and healthy fat intake- these increase testosterone, a must in keeping the swimmers healthy and active.

My husband was also willing to have his swimmers tested, (I had already submitted urine and blood samples to have my own fertility more thoroughly examined) but it wasn't necessary because... We tested positive that same month!!!

I am not saying that these things worked. I have no idea if they did or not. This was not a kosher experiment. Some of the things listed above were done simultaneously, and maybe that made a difference, maybe not. I really don't know. I am just sharing things that I did, in my journey to not give up.

If I have to pin it down to one thing, I would say that I was able to truly release and relax that month. I was starting the infertility process with my OB/GYN. I felt so relieved to be doing that. I was finally going to have some concrete answers, and with those answers I could then make a plan for how I was going to tackle those troubles. And that month, all I had to do was wait on the test results. No worries in the world! I was actually excited to finally be able to have the answers I so desperately wanted. And I just sighed with relief that month, and told God that I trust him/her and that I knew he/she was with me. And my husband and I were both in agreement that we would come to the best solution possible for us in our lives whenever and whatever came.

And my body opened up, relaxed, and was allowed to just be. My nurse practitioner told me that this happens frequently. I was so glad to hear it. Yay for those other women!!! And yay for us!!! And yay for my little one growing within, bigger and bigger, out of love...

Peeing on a Stick

(This is an older post I meant to post earlier this summer)

So, aren't pregnancy sticks EXPENSIVE!!! I mean, seriously?!?!? If you are TTC those things will break your bank! And even if they don't ('cuz you're disgustingly wealthy), it's the principle! I am gonna pee on this, wait 5 minutes then throw it away. And for that I have to pay $20??? Enter the 99 cents store. In this magical place you can buy a stick, not a fancy one but it does the same thing, for less than a dollar (before taxes). But wait a minute, if you are TTC then you are probably peeing on a stick 4-7 times a months x 12 months = $84 a year. That's $84 bucks you are spending to be pissed off every time you piss on a stick. That is too much money to spend just to be frustrated, in my opinion anyway.

My solution, buying pregnancy sticks in bulk on-line. I bought 100 stick for $20. That is definitely a more reasonable price. And since I had so many, and they were so cheap to get in the first place, I was more than happy to share the wealth and give them away to friends who thought they might be pregnant. "Why wait in suspense? Here take a handful. Knock yourself out".

Only downside (as I was warned by a close friend), you do get kinda addicted to peeing on a stick. Same thing with ovulation predictor sticks. Your day just doesn't feel right until you've peed on a stick. Who's with me? Anyone? Is this thing on??? (She recedes back into the crazy-shell she stuck her head out of.)

What if...

So a friend of mine was sharing her story with me. She had been trying for more than a year. At some point during this time the crazy crept in. It happens... But in her desperation to conceive her husband asked her a question that struck her right in the heart and helped her emerge from the crazy.

"What if I can't give you a baby? Do you still want to be with me???" he asked. What a bizarre question it must have seemed to my friend. She didn't marry her husband because of his genes for procreation. And yet, she must have been acting in such a way that led her husband to wonder if her need to carry life was more powerful than her love for him.

How blind we can become in the craziness, how unwittingly our pain can be transfered to others, hurting those we love most.

But as she shared this story with me, I had to check-in with myself. I had to ask myself the same question. "If having a child is not something that can happen between my husband and I, do I still want to live out the rest of my days with this man???" The answer to that question was the reality check I needed at just that moment. I was so absorbed in my own desire that I forgot that I have chosen to travel the rest of my days on this earth with someone else and that must remain a priority if we are to succeed in this married life.

So the answer to the question was YES!!!! I still want to be with him no matter what!

I mean, who wouldn't?!?!? He is willing to entertain his wife by taking her to childish restaurants, and take goofy pictures just to make her happy. He has made my life better in so many ways, and all this sans children. I can't even imagine raising children without him. So it is him all the way. Love him. Love him. Love him!

How I keep the crazy at bay

Sorry for the long absence. Just finished summer school. It was really tough for me to get through this year. By the time I got home every night, all I wanted to do was watch TV or read. Hence, the delays in posts. But I am free!!! For a little while anyway.

When you are TTC (trying to conceive), I think that there is a point, and that point is different for everyone, when you start to become crazy about it. Bless your poor partner, because they likely bear the brunt of this craziness, and have to witness it, and still love you. For me that point was after 4 months of trying. In this journey I have absorbed and assumed the stories of so many of the women around me. And that is why I started to go crazy at 4 months. When I first started thinking about trying, I spoke to a co-worker about how maternity leave works (she had just had a baby the previous year) and how I had wanted to time the birth so that I could get the longest time with my baby (maternity leave + vacations+ holiday= tons of time off!!!). Her response was, "Well, if you're that lucky. It took me 4 months to get pregnant."

My co-worker's story echoed in my head. 4 months, 4 months, 4 months... So when I wasn't pregnant the first 3 months, I wasn't terribly worried, because I was totally going to be pregnant by 4 months just like my co-worker. That's math, right? That's how it works. And when 4 months came and my period came, that is when I started to loose it. That is when I started to get a little crazy.

Crazy looks different for everyone too. For me it was obsession. I would spend hours and hours researching ways to help make me more fertile, things that cause infertility, and baby things. It was the baby things that made my husband worried. I was glued to the computer trying to figure out what diapers I wanted, what stroller suited our needs, what baby carrier was the most versatile. On more than one occasion, Jonathan asked me to stop doing this, and just wait until we had a baby to plan for. He was worried for me, that I wasn't relaxing and trusting God. And he was right.

Still working on relaxing and trusting (I suspect these will be challenges for the better part of the rest of my life), but along the way I have gotten better at it in this specific area. As I have said before, some days are better than others. Here are a few thing that I have done to help me keep the crazy at bay:

1. Put a limit on Facebook: This one was HUGE for me. Facebook was a consistent source of pain for me, as it seemed the world over was enjoying motherhood, and I was not invited to the party. I first fasted Facebook for lent, and when that worked out well for me, I continued after lent on a modified schedule. I get one and a half hours once a week to go on. This is actually just enough time to read and reply to emails, and catch up on what family and close friends are up to.

2. When it's too much, say no: Sometimes I knew that I wasn't in the right state to handle groups of pregnant women or mothers with their children. But it seemed inevitable since nearly all the women in my social groups were either pregnant or had children. I often let the guilt of feeling like a bad person dictate my actions, forcing me to attend these gatherings. But then I would leave feeling miserable and hating my body even more. I had to put a stop to this. So when we are invited to something, I go through the list of possible guests (to see if anyone pregnant might be there) and ask myself how I am doing. If I honestly have been having a rough time/week with this topic then I choose not to torture myself, and I say "No, I can't make it". Then I reject the guilty feelings. It takes practice not to let the guilt control, but it gets easier, and I am healthier for respecting myself.

3. Get busy: I am trying my best to stay away from the researching obsession. The easiest way to replace the computer is to stay active. I have a list of projects I have been procrastinating on and I am slowly working my way down on that list. Some of the project are fun and creative, some are chores, but I feel better once any of them is done. This one has been key for me.

I am sure other people have other ideas, these are the ones that work for me. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Good luck crazy ladies. We will make it through this!

Blankets in Brazil

One of my close friends once told me that if I ever die she wants my wooden chest. Nope, that didn't offend me, because, yup, we are that close. The chest is currently in my living room, filled with winter blankets and some Christmas paraphernalia. It's a red-stained wooden chest with peacock's carved all around it. I love this chest. It is useless, whimsical, and lovely.

My friend told me that it would make a great hope chest. I have heard people talk about hope chests, but never had a strong grip on what exactly they are for. Hope, I assumed, but in the form of what? She told me that in the olden days women would fill the chest with things that they would need after they got married, often times filling it with handmade items like baby clothes (amongst other things). Then I realized that I had, in a way, already begun my own hope chest.

A month after the devastating news I got from the doctor, we traveled to Brazil. It had been 6 years since we had last been there. A shame, a terrible shame. But that is how life is sometimes. The last time we were there my sister-in-law was pregnant. Six years passed and we still hadn't met our niece, who we had heard was a riot. So there we were, finally in Brazil for 3 wonderful weeks.

I brought some yarn, hooks, and needles with me to work on some projects while we were there. I had just re-learned how to knit and wanted to try out a pattern for a baby blanket, and since it seemed that the entire world was conceiving simultaneously, I figured I would certainly have someone I would be able to give it to.

Over those three weeks I worked on that blanket, and I cried allot, thinking about my own fertility struggles. I shared my sorrows with my sister-in-law (who was so sweet and kind to me), and I found that as I unraveled the yarn and my thoughts, I gained clarity. I knew who this blanket was for. It was for me, for my baby, for the little one I would one day meet. When we came home in August, I folded the blanket up and put it away. Here it is below.

It is heather-gray, made out of cotton yarn, and is made in a simple basket-weave style. Makes a pretty nice shawl. But I don't use it as one. It sits in a basket, where I store the other small things I have been gathering and collecting for my little one. Things like cloth diapers, and baby clothes, and handmade booties. I had to give myself permission to buy these things, to store in my own hope "chest". Once when I was in a cloth diapering store I confessed to the salesperson that I felt silly for spending so much time in that store when I wasn't pregnant and wasn't even sure if I could get pregnant. And she was so kind in her response, "Well I have two boys, not babies, and I'm not even sure if I will ever have another baby, but when I see something that I love I snatch it up, because who knows? Maybe one day. And it makes me happy to do this and gives me hope. There is nothing wrong with that."

And so I have slowly been adding to my hope chest, stuff that I make and stuff that I buy, because it makes me happy to do so, and it gives me hope. And there's nothing wrong with that. Plus, I get a cuddly blanket. Win-Win!

Dreams

I don't usually remember my dreams. I know allot of people think that if you don't dream then something must be wrong with you, especially since dreams have so much to tell us about ourselves. But, I really don't remember my dreams. I won't say that I don't dream, because I probably do, but it is rare that I wake up remembering what was going on in my mind while my eyes were shut. Still, occasionally I will wake myself up laughing, crying, or kicking (I once slapped Jonathan in the chest because I was playing basketball in my dreams). Laughing is the best. I love those dreams. It is always better to be awaken by your own giggling.

About 6 months ago I woke up with tears, but it was the BEST. DREAM. EVER! It was around my birthday, and for some irrational reason I was convinced that January was gonna by my month. We were gonna "score a goal". So that month, of course, I was hyper-vigilant, I took my temps accurately, I made sure we were timing our husband and wifely duties well, I even put my legs up in the air afterwards to see if I could help gravity at all.

One night, after I had already ovulated, I had a dream that I had given birth. It was beautiful, and exactly how I had hoped it would be. Then, suddenly, I was sitting in my recliner and someone handed me my baby. A girl!!! She looked more like a 6 month old rather than a new born, but it was a dream so it made sense by the dream-reality rules.

As I looked down at her, I kept thinking that this little girl looked exactly like what Snow White must have looked like when she was a baby, except that in place of blue eyes she had stunning yellowish eyes. Round face, pale skin, raven hair, huge eyes, like her mama, but a golden hazel color. Gorgeous! At least I thought so. And there I was holding her, trying to get her to nurse. She struggled at first, but after a while she finally latched on. I was thrilled! All I could think was, "You're doing it, precious! I am so proud of you. You are amazing. You figured this out all on your own. Good job! I love you so much!" And as those thoughts repeated over and over in my head, tears of joy rolled down my cheeks. And that is how I woke up, with a huge smile, and a wet pillow with wet cheeks.

Over time I usually forget the dreams that I am actually able to remember upon waking. But there are a handful that have stayed with me. This is one of them. And I am so glad I have this dream to encourage me to look forward to what is still to come. While I didn't conceive in January, in a way, I did have my baby. I held her, and I was overcome by the love I felt for her. And I can't wait to meet her one day. One day.